It has been a while since I have been in this space. Many changes again, being pregnant and becoming a mom during a pandemic, oh and a pandemic, changing into a different position at work and well, life in general. But time to come back and to live the joy of writing, because maybe what has been my work – travel log for a long time, became most of all a place where I work at a craft I love and it’s time to follow it’s call again.
Therefore, a small piece to kick off and get back in the game.
Inadequate. This will be my word of the year 2022 and commitment, will be my word for 2023. One of the biggest challenges of being a single mom for me – and for most parents of tiny humans – is the lack of time or how it seems to slip out of my hands while trying to take care of my kid, work, still see family and friends, get my body occasionally moving, trying to do other stuff which makes me tick etc. In other words, it can be hard, but in all honesty, that’s not the main emotion I feel.
I think it’s a feeling of inadequacy regarding most of the things I’m trying to do. Where before I would give 110 percent for most things I do, if I manage to give even 80% now to all, I am already happy. At times it even drops to 60%, when me or my child, or even both of us are sick. This is particular during wintertime, where a sort of prolonged attack of (daycare) viruses is trying to
test and re-test our immune systems.
Or at least this is how I felt.
Because somewhere over the past month it clicked in my – again virus overloaded – head. It is actually fine to be inadequate. No matter how I look at it,the way our societies are set up, it is incredibly difficult to ‘own’ your most valuable resource, time, considering everything we ‘ought’ to be doing versus how we actually ‘want’ to be doing it. Additionally, it is up to me to focus in the little time I have, distraction is everywhere, but I create a lot of them myself. This is not an epiphany perhaps, but it is the best insight I gathered from the past year, which also leads me to my word for 2023. I am looking forward to committing 100% to the things that I do manage to do with the time that I have, even if that means only being able to do it at 80%. Because when I commit to it, I probably enjoy it more and get rid off the ‘but I ought to be doing this as well’. As no matter how much, I try to fit into a day, it is finite, and if I won’t enjoy it or at least have a sense of acceptance about what I can do, I’ll consistently undermine my own sense of well-being. Therefore, this morning, I committed to my beach walk and found a beautiful shell which I already look forward to sharing with my boy, listened to the waves and did a tiny breathing exercise. And guess what, when I started to work, I felt a sense of ease that I didn’t feel in a long time. Let the New Year begin.